So what is the point, really?

So I have been wondering lately what my ‘purpose’ in life is at this particular time. In the past, it wasn’t too hard to tell, as I was immersed in small-child-on-the-autism-spectrum rearing, then college-degree-earning, then working–good-paying-personally-satisfying-job-at-an-orthodontic-office, followed by marrying-a-US-Coast-guard-enlisted-man-transferred-to-Alaska and finally, having-twins-at-40-and-keeping-them-alive-into-childhood.

IMG_9791So here I am now, with no job for over 8 years, and all of our children now attending 5 full days of school per week. I recently applied for several small part time positions as clerk or fast food attendant. Apparently if you are over 20 and looking for a job like that, they assume you are mentally incompetent or something, because I never got a response from any of them. Which is extremely irritating. I am a bit bitter about it. I don’t think I can go back to what I used to do. I mean, it’s been ¬†over 8 years since I used those skills, and I believe I’d have to go back and be re-certified in x-ray technology in order to hold the type of job I used to do. we have way too many children (okay, four. But The youngest two are 5-twice is exhausting just because there IS always twice the EVERYTHING, The middle one is male and 13- which is a handicap in itself, and the oldest is 18 and a card carrying member of the Asbergers syndrome group, so no easy going with ANY of them) to be living on ONE income, let alone a low-soldier-on-the-totem-pole military man’s salary. Our bank balance is often in the single digits by the end of a two week period, and sometimes that single digit is a negative number.

I am frustrated, depressed, angry, humiliated at the whole situation. I see my value as a stay at home mom, for sure. I have no idea how we’d manage the transporting all four kids in different directions at different times every day and being home to pick up the kindergartner s off of the bus -they will NOT let them off unless a parent is waiting at the stop. (once I was late and they just drove off with them! They called me five minutes later to inform me they’d transfer them to another bus and drop them off in fifteen minutes. GRRR.) But on the other hand, there is the me that feels completely useless, as I do nothing at ALL for myself. And the part of me that gets so FREAKING pissed when we run out of milk and bread and all we have is ketchup, canned tomatoes, and rolled oats in our pantry and my bank balance is -8.37 and there is six more days until the next paycheck.

We used to get church welfare food orders. It was extremely helpful. My husband, however, has decided we “should be fine now without those”, so you tell me why I am stuck twice a month trying to figure out how to afford toilet paper and bread. And why I have borrowed money from my mom every month for the past four months and Levi (the spouse) has borrowed from his dad at least once. Now it’s December and I have no idea what we are supposed to do for Christmas… our kids ain’t gettin much is all I gotta say. We used to get toys and such given to us by the local community charity groups, but there again, somebody has decided we are no longer ‘in need’.

Now that I’ve typed it up, I see that I’ll probably never tell a single soul that it’s here, because why would I share this depressing string of consciousness with anyone? It would truly bum somebody out. Most of the time, I see humor in everything. Just seems that lately, there’s no room for funny anymore. I am just exhausted and in constant anxiety over how the next week is going to pan out. I need a vacation!

But, back to my main point….. what am I supposed to do with myself? I used to feel pretty resourceful and creative. These days, I feel like there’s a mental block, like there’s this wall I can’t get over or past whenever I try to think about what options I have for ‘doing something’. I am not a productive member of society. I am only an asset to the people in my home. And they don’t even realize how tough they’d have it if I were occupied elsewhere and they had to figure a few things out without me.

I’d better go. Somebody is complaining that somebody else took all the toothpaste and somebody else is asking if she can have a ride to her grandmothers tomorrow afternoon….. sigh.